


Eyes Wide Shut

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-13
Updated: 2009-12-13
Packaged: 2017-12-04 12:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaoru's memories slip into something else... something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eyes Wide Shut

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt[s]: Winter  
> Comments: for **diexkaorulove** advent calendar  
>  Beta Readers: kawaiikyo, rapturouspurple, elyachan  
> Song[s]: "With Eyes Wide Shut" by Blessthefall

'Cold...' the thought seeps into my mind as the dampness seeps into my clothing. My face is upturned toward the sky, letting the soft white flakes of the first snowfall flutter down to land upon my skin. The way it melts so quickly, running little rivulets down my cheeks, it's almost like cold tears. Slowly my eyes shut, only the feeling of the world around me sifting through my body.

One breath in, a gentle shiver, and then a single puff of air outward. Steam drifts up from my mouth, warming me for the fraction of a second and then leaving me colder than before. The ghost of a memory caresses my mind, ripping a shudder through my body as I remember those warm hands caressing my body, strong arms pulling me against a broad chest. My hand reaches out and grasps at empty air, my eyes still shut tightly. The softest of sobs leaves my lips, fading away into the lonely black night.

I miss him like I miss a piece of my own soul. He may as well have been exactly that. My one true love and my soul mate. Other memories slip through my mind like a movie reel stuck on high speed. Vivid pieces of my past: a gentle caress to my cheek, the delicate feather of lips over my own, and the words I uttered without fear and then that look of horror on his face as he pulled away for the final time. Too soon... maybe I shouldn't have said them at all. I sealed my own fate with the foolishness of thinking I could have it all.

It's been two months since he's even been in the same room as me. Our only break from touring in years landed in our lap just days after I said all the wrong things. My chances to make it up to him went from slim to none. I can't even explain myself because he won't answer my calls, won't open his door, and won't even return my emails. Someone less foolish than I would have given up by now, let it all drop and tried to go back to normal. But I just can't let it go like that. I need him... want him. He is my life and my soul and I refuse to let him just walk out of my life like he was never in it at all.

The world around me still moves, the snow still falling and the coldness still seeping into my slowly numbing form. I'm not dressed for the weather, not even close. My leather jacket is hanging on the hook just inside Die's apartment, the place I last wore it, and I can't bring myself to buy a new one to replace it. It feels like it would be replacing him. Yet another irrational portion of my own thoughts. I'm well aware, but that doesn't change a thing.

My hoodie is damp, clinging to my body like a second skin. The ends of my jeans are soaking up the dampness from the ground, slowly letting the cold creep up my legs from below. Even the cigarette in my hand can't do a thing to keep me warm and yet, I will not budge. I've been here for hours, standing right where I told him I'd be tonight, waiting for him. I left one more desperate voicemail, a plea for him to let me explain why I said what I did on that last day of the tour. I told him seven pm and it's now ten, but that doesn't change the fact that I refuse to leave. I won't leave until it's tomorrow, until the date has changed and the last ray of hope that he's simply late has vanished.

Another shiver wracks my frame and this time there's warmth seeping down my cheeks, tears of my own making rather than those from the snow. I couldn't say why I'm crying, why the tears have come. In fact, I'm barely conscious that I'm crying, it's only the warmth that tips me off at all. Idly, my hand comes up and I wipe away the stray wetness with the backs of already damp fingers. The action is useless and yet needed. Finally, I drop the remnants of that cigarette to the ground and open my eyes long enough to watch it extinguish in a puddle. The parallelism isn't missed by my mind, not at all.

I take the time to retrieve another cigarette and push the slim stick between my lips. The pack goes back in my pocket and the lighter comes out. I have to flick it four times before it ignites and I quickly light the cigarette. A moment later the slim lighter goes back in my pocket, right alongside the mostly finished pack of Salem Lights. Die's brand... something I picked up just because I miss him that much. I miss his scent, his jokes, his laughter, and his smiles. Even that certain sparkle in his eyes when he starts thinking about how to best pull off something he wants to do. I miss it all. My eyelids fall shut again and a gentle sigh slips from between my lips along with the smoke that filled my lungs a moment before.

Footsteps crunch on the ground, coming closer and closer to me, but I pay them no heed this time. The disappointment of the last time is still too sharp in my mind. Another shiver runs through my body and my cigarette falls from between my lips. I don't even fumble for it, too cold and too uncaring to try to catch it or anything else.

The flick of a lighter sounds just behind me and again I don't bother to look. It won't be him and it doesn't matter who it is because it's not him. But then a hand brushes mine and a fresh cigarette is pressed between my fingers. A moment later, a heavy jacket settles over my shoulders and then a pair of arms slips around my waist. My breath sticks in my throat and my eyelids fly open. A smile I've been waiting too long to see hovers before my vision and then the familiar scent of cigarettes and cologne slips through my nose.

"Breathe," he murmurs before grasping my free hand and tugging me along with him, heading for the parking lot at the far end of the park. "You're frozen solid... idiot."

I swallow hard, unsure of what to say. I just blindly follow after him, my hand tucked in the warmth of his own. That should tell me something about how cold I am, because Die's hands are never warm. I used to tease him mercilessly about them being so cold. Almost automatically, I take a drag from the cigarette he lit for me and I'm slammed with the taste of my ex-lover. Something I was so intimately familiar with until I ripped it all away from myself with three stupid words. My tongue teases the end of the stick for a moment before stopping, realizing what I'm doing. Pathetic. I'd do anything just to get a taste of him.

He leads me right to his car, opening the passenger door and helping me in before going to the driver's side, slipping in, and turning on the car. The warmth of the heater hits me full blast and the solid beat of American rock music fills the car. He fiddles with the dials, turning down the volume before he pulls out and heads toward his end of the city. "You wanted to talk... so talk," he murmurs softly.

For a moment the words don't find me. When they finally do, it's all a rush and I can't hold anything back. "I made a mistake. I mean, I told you how I felt and I shouldn't have done it that early in our relationship. I can't change what I did, but please... believe me when I tell you that I never meant to scare you off like that. I didn't... I guess I wasn't thinking. I should have been, but I wasn't." My shoulders slump and I stare down at the still burning cigarette clutched between my fingers. Slowly, I take a drag from it and then roll down the window to toss it out, not wanting to hunt in his car for the ashtray.

He makes a soft sound and then shakes his head a little. "Kaoru... listen to me. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. That was really asshole-ish of me and I wish I hadn't done it. But once I'd walked away, I didn't know how to come back, how to explain to you that I just panicked." He stops at a stoplight and stares at me for a long moment, then shakes his head again. "The last person who told me they loved me was the woman I almost married. And that was the biggest mistake of my life. I just didn't know how to take what you told me... and it really felt like it was out of nowhere."

The light changes and he pulls out, making a right turn. Eventually, I speak up, my voice quiet and a bit unsteady. "I'm sorry I said it... I'm sorry I lost you." This time when the wetness gathers in my eyes, I blink it back, turning my head away so he won't see the shame reflected in my eyes.

He's quiet for a long time, but when he does speak, my heart skips a beat. "You haven't lost me... not if you'll take me back." His words are punctuated by him pulling over, leaving the car idling as he turns to me, reaching out and cupping my cheek in that big, warm palm. His thumb traces over the arch of my cheekbone as he leans in. He's close enough his breath ghosts over my lips, but he doesn't go all the way.

A split second is all it takes before I go the rest of the way, pressing my lips to his, arms snaking out and hands grasping at his shoulders. He shifts a little and moves closer to me, deepening the contact. His tongue slicking over my lower lip before he pulls away. That sparkle I missed so much is in his eyes just before a smile graces those full lips. "Is that a yes?"

My voice is sure, steady, and filled with every ounce of love and adoration I hold for him as I answer, "It's always been a yes."

**The End**  



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